I’ve never really understood the whole concept of washing a car. It’s sort of like raking leaves. I never understood that either. You go out Saturday at 8:15 AM, after a breakfast of unfrosted pop tarts and whatever diet soda is on sale, and start raking leaves.
(I once told Melissa Riopka I love unfrosted pop tarts. She stared me down and said “that’s just wrong.” I miss Melissa. I will be glad when she gets back even if she is disdainful of my predilection for unfrosted pop tarts.)
You rake them all up on Saturday. When you get up on Sunday to watch the single best show on television, CBS Sunday Morning, new leaves are right back where the old ones were sitting. It’s like a conspiracy. It’s like the leaves talk.
Washing cars and car tires seems to be about the same to me. You get your tires clean only to drive them through rain, mud, muck, and whatever varmint has lost the animal world’s version of The Hunger Games.
It seems pointless.
But there are, apparently, people who disagree, and will spend money to get their tires in shape good enough for an Olan Mills picture.
My mom once had my picture made at Olan Mills in my peewee football uniform. I was posed near that Greek column and fake fern everyone else uses in their Olan Mills picture.
I was probably 10. My ears stood out like a Cadillac coming down the road with its doors open.
I used to accuse of her drugging me to get that picture.
This all brings us to the product we’re testing today. “About darn time” you are thinking …
We’re testing the Wipe New Tires. It’s a product that claims give your tires a long lasting shine that won’t crack or peel away. It also claims to keep your tires sharp through 100 car washes.
The car wash part of this deal is funny. When I am dead, buried, and long gone from this earth, I can assure you I will have not washed my car anywhere near 100 times.
Rather than wash a car, I can watch TV, read a book, eat unfrosted pop tarts, scroll through Facebook, spend time on the Twitter, go to DQ for a blizzard, change my Birchbox priorities, listen to Jason Isbell, buy Jason Isbell tickets, wash clothes, forget to put clothes in the dryer, and eat.
Washing a car, especially the tires, is not at the top of my go-to list.
But, I followed the directions and cleaned my right side car tires. I didn’t touch the left sides so I could compare.
Wipe New Tires did clean them up pretty good. And we will tentatively make Wipe New Tires a Deal. I say tentatively because I will continue to check the left side tires to see if they hold up.
There are some things you need to remember before you start.
Plan to add a second coat. The first one will probably soak into the tire. Make sure you wear the gloves that come in the packaging. This stuff smells like the cast of Duck Dynasty after 18 hours in the swamp.
Also, if you can, wait an hour before you drive the car after the cleaning the tires, and in that hour, try to avoid putting the tires in direct sunlight.
It cost $10.99. We make it a Deal with an asterisk. That should make some guy happy with the Wipe New product line. When we rated the headlight product a Dud, I got a voice message screaming about my rating for about five minutes. That five minutes did allow me to get a drink from the break room.
As for my picture at Olan Mills … No …You can’t see it.